we are fragile

I sit here in my computer chair writing this note, not in procrastination of reading about Iranian regimes (which mind you, has become quite interesting), but because something has been put on my heart. Well many things have. I'll just start and you can end when you decide you want to.

Today Heath Ledger died. Now I'm not really any crazy fan or something like that, but I find this death to be sad. I think there's a lot of realization in death. I think that with death, we see humans for who they are... people. What is more sad is that a girl lost her dad today. Parent's lost their son today. He was a guy, just a guy. I'm not going to make speculations of his death, I don't think that's fair to him or his family. Instead I think we should sit back and realize that he was a person and not just an icon of film. I know all of us have lost somebody in our lives who we can look back and no one will ever understand the impact that that person had on you. Death is hard. Death isn't easy. I think with death comes love though. I rant about love a lot, I know this... but I find it to be the crucial essence of human existance. Love isn't easy... it's more like a war. We do things for love, for others, for those whom we love, that exceeds human morality and reason. I think though that maybe we don't sit back enough and truely appreciate those in our lives who we love.

Then again love opens us up and makes us vulnerable. Love isn't easy. Has it ever been? I don't think it has. If it was easy, there wouldn't be hate. Hate is easy. Love takes courage. It takes courage to go out and show love towards others. For those who are on the front lines of that war (which yes, I consider it a war... it takes something inside you to love others unconditionally), you are strong. People can be unbelievably strong, but at the same time we are so unbelievably weak. That weakness is what keeps us going though. That weakness is our thirst for something more... our thirst for love.

I see it as a full circle, when we desire to be loved and desire to know love, we desire to love. It's a good cycle and I hope it thrives in your lives. This whole spiel won't be wrapped up back to Heath Ledger's death and so this is the last mention of the thought that got me thinking... just know that he was loved, not by the entertainment industry, but by people who cared for him... just like our family and friends care for us.

I think with love we need to examine our motives though. Do we love to be loved? Or do we love cause we are loved? I would hope it would be the latter of the two. We love because we are loved first. (1 John 4:19) Pure motives are a great idea. Notice how I say idea... so how do we turn idea into action? I would love to say, "I love with all I have and it's because the good Lord gave me that ability...", but I would be lying if I did. I try to love. I feel like I don't succeed in my efforts. I think love is perfection and we won't ever really reach perfection... but my goal is to make it their eventually.

This get's me to another thought, February 13th there's this happening all over the country. I think they've labeled it "Love is the Movement Day." It's not sponsored by To Write Love On Her Arms, but it is sponsored by people who love and who have a heart to help and love. On this day, they're encouraging people to actually take a sharpie and write "love" on their left forearm. I think this is a great thing actually and will most likely participate. I'm not saying I want all of you out there in facebook land to, but I'm putting it out there in case anybody is interested.

I guess I have ranted long enough but I felt like this was worthy of putting out there in front of people. I know it was long and if you chose to make it to this point, I applaud your boredom.

Love matters. Love moves.

Funny how things go...

This post will be vague. Very vague.

So many times I get off track and I start thinking in terms of things that I WANT. Well okay the one thing I'm specifically talking about is the kind of guy I want be with eventually. I always find myself making a list of the things and it's funny because I'm pretty sure the Lord will provide a guy who is the exact opposite. But last night I was talking to an unnamed person and we both kind of had revelations about my list. Well first of all, here's my list:
-smart but not so smart he makes me feel dumb
-be really into music
-have a creative tooth
-christian... active in his faith
-be supportive of me wanting to go to Uganda for missions
-have a heart to help people
-good head on his shoulders
-not manipulative
-trustworthy... which, I know I'll trust him when I meet him

Many of my "wantings" come from my dad. My dad is one of my best friends and has really helped shape my life. We pretty much share the same loves... and he got me into all of them and have supported me in them: music, photography, technology, history... I mean, he's the one who originally bought me a keyboard in high school and completely supported me in putting stuff together with it.

Though while talking to this girl about my list, it came up that my list happened to describe this guy we both know. But that would be so freaking weird if anything EVER happened there so I know it won't... and at the same time I don't think I would want something to happen because of the type of relationship we already have.

I guess it's just weird how others interpret things... I mean I completely think my dad is the most awesome guy ever and no guy will ever be what he is, but hopefully the guy I end up with will have many of the same qualities.

Do I know the guy yet? No, I don't believe I do yet. I don't know when I'll meet him either... but I'm pretty sure when I meet him, I'll know.

Scars to show...

So hold your head up high and know it's not the end of the road
Walk down this beaten path before you pack your things and head home
At the end of the road you'll find what you've been longing for

I know 'cause my feet have the scars to show
I was lost with vague direction and no place to call home

It's time for you to press on
This is not your war
Set your sights to North and press on
This is not your escape
Wash way what they thought of you
Because in this place, we're all as good as dead
...end cycle...

Behind the mask you'll find yourself alone
It's not the end of road for you

Underoath has always had a special place in my heart. They always seem to be able to relate things to what's going on in my life. I think though that this song has really kept me going the past few days. A lot has happened just internally about like how I view life in general. I know that I always have this changing world view and I sometimes wish it wouldn't be changing. People seem to always dissapoint me. There's something about them that I just don't get: like the feeling of walking into a classroom of strangers and getting the rudest looks from them. like how someone could just completely disregard somebody elses feelings. like how people have no shame in condemning others before looking at their own wrong doings.

I think that's what the problem with our world is... we all have problems and we're so eager to point them out to eachother. What's so wrong with sitting and evaluating ourselves for once. I wish I could sit everyone I know down and have them evaluate everything wrong in their life. Not like emotionally, but like all the flaws they have. Instead of for once putting others down, why can't we build eachother up? Is it so hard?

I don't think so.

merry christmas and a happy new something...

I always feel like the holidays are an awful time. Family's fake like they really do enjoy seeing eachother. Don't get me wrong, your family might actually like eachother. In my case, everyone talks about eachother behind their backs and then smiles to their face... even get drunk together.... I mean I guess most people get along then.

Tomorrow I go see my family and it's kind of surreal. This is probably my grandma's last Christmas ever. They're already talking about who gets what. I think they've already started planning the funeral. It's just something we're all expecting so soon. It's just weird to think that she could be gone soon. She's in horrible shape though.

I think I'm really going to try to cherish tomorrow. Or at least try to. My one cousin who will be there I actually enjoy. He's pretty cool. A junior at Joshua. I dunno. The people who start the party before they get there won't be here this year.


So it's def been like a year since I wrote anything in here. Kind of crazy I guess. A lot has happened. It's been a growing year for sure. I feel as if now, going into my second semester at A&M, I've finally found my group of friends that'll always be there for me. It's a good feeling to know I have this now. I'm really hoping that this next semester will mirror this past one.

Another thing that is looking up is how I feel about myself. This is something I have been dealing with since high school. The concept of fitting in and being an individual has all kind of clashed in my mind. I've gone through times where I changed myself for other people and then finally learning who I am and being okay with that. I've finally become okay with who I am. Coincidentally, I'm the happiest I've been since my senior year of high school probably. I think it's just one of those things that you have to find out on your own. If others help it becomes a disaster.

So here's to another year in life.

Rain.

I'm hurting. Really, I am. It's hard to describe why I'm hurting, but I have been for awhile. This break has been tough on me but I have learned so much. Today something happened that put hope in my heart. Hope that I'm moving forward in the right direction and that everything will be fine.

These two Rob Bell films have really kept me going through the hurt. I might still be hurting but things are getting better.





so i really believe this: here come better days...